The Vicious Circle – An update

Have you ever been depressed? Not just sad but actually, clinically depressed?

It’s pretty hard. It’s not all the depressive thoughts that I find the most challenging to deal with, though they are difficult. What really gets to me is the lack of motivation. I just feel like there is no reason to do anything. Anything and everything you do feels pointless.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to fight. But it’s so hard when it doesn’t feel like anything you do is seen as worthwhile. And it doesn’t really matter if it is seen as worthwhile if you still don’t feel as though it is seen that way.

And then you feel worse. You feel worse because you didn’t get such and such accomplished. You feel worse because you feel bad in the first place. It all feeds on itself.

It becomes a vicious circle. Dragging you down when you get a break, utterly sinking you when you don’t.

It’s hard. It’s an uphill battle. And no one is gonna help you. Or at least that’s the way it feels.

But statistics don’t lie. Some six percent of the adult population of the united states will suffer from depression in a year, and one in five people have dealt with someone with depression. It’s a very common thing nowadays.

And yet, mental illnesses are still stigmatized at a higher rate than other illnesses.

But why is this if so many people are affected? I’m sure part of it is just shame, not many people are willing to admit to having mental illness. It’s even hard for me to write about it, and I can talk about anything.

Is it a kind of fear? Like maybe it’s some kind of contagious? And you just won’t get it if you don’t acknowledge it? It seems odd to me that something so pervasive and so hard to deal with could just be ignored on such a level.

Thank gods for the Obamacare, right? Maybe now that so many uninsured are now covered we can focus on this and other illnesses that are both treatable and dangerous.

However, all of this is just a little off topic. This is about my fight with depression (well actually bipolar depression with some anxiety, but you know.) And in particular with the little bit of depression that is lack of motivation.

Which is part of why I’m writing this post. The only way to beat it is to do anyway. So I’m gonna keep trying. And keep giving myself the credit I deserve. It really is hard to keep doing and keep trying when you don’t feel like anything is paying off.

But you got to fake it ’til you make it.

I’m including a bit of an update on the site overall. I’m still going to be posting more audio. I’m hoping to post everything I have that includes an EVP. I have several more at least. I still have audio I need to listen to find out if I have more EVPs.

And I’m hoping to do some investigating with video sometime in near future. I’ve been hesitating to do so because the sound on my camera isn’t very good and I’ve been hoping to obtain a better sound recorder that I could sync to my camera.

However, I don’t know when that will be. And it’s really not looking like it will be anytime soon. So, I’m considering proceeding without a better sound recorder for the time being.

I keep meaning to form a semi-formal group. A paranormal investigation group, of course. I think I’m going to see about it this summer. I don’t know if I know enough people or not. But I’m gonna brainstorm on it semi-soon, at the least.


A Paranormal Investigators’ Manifesto

The history of paranormal investigation is a controversial and, at times, sordid story. With such a complicated past it is important that those that consider themselves to be paranormal investigators act in accordance with one’s conscience as well as “standard” ethics.

As a paranormal investigator one should dedicate themselves to:

  • To providing honest, unmanipulated evidence to the client and paranormal community at large, as well as to make said evidence available to the general public whenever possible.
  • To providing accurate information to the client without embellishment or inference.
  • To debunking all normal phenomena that may appear to be paranormal in origin.
  • To making every effort to putting the client at ease, no matter the outcome of the investigation.
  • To recording as much data at every investigation as possible and to do so in an accurate and organized manner.
  • To always acting in an ethical manner and behaving in a professional fashion.
  • To respecting the dead, their final resting places and any other items that may have been important to those that have passed.
  • To supporting your fellow investigators and collaborating with them whenever possible.
  • To furthering the scientific and intellectual understanding of what happens after one dies.
  • To respecting the beliefs and traditions of others, particularly those regarding the dead.

Obviously, not everyone can follow all of these guidelines all of the time. (Heck, I myself am guilty of violating a few of these rules on occasion. Professionalism, anyone?) But I feel that striving to do so whenever one can must be an important goal for all those that consider themselves to be a paranormal investigator.

The process

I just want to let you guys in on my evidence sharing process. First of all, my sound recorder’s software has a bug, so in order to upload my audio from my recorder I have to play it with the recorder and re-record using a two-way 3.5mm plug and audacity. After that, I have to export it into a .wav file so I can use it in a video editing program wherein I add a still image and export again. After all that is complete, I have to upload my video and link to it so you can get to it.

All of that, just because wordpress won’t allow me to upload my audio unless I have the premium service which I can’t afford just now because I’m saving up for an apartment.


Now why do I mention all this? Well, I’m currently uploading my first video to youtube so you all can hear an EVP I caught. And a creepy one at that. If I were a different sort of person I wouldn’t go back to that graveyard knowing what I know now… but being as I am slightly insane, I already have.

You. Can’t. Run.

My first post with actual evidence! I’m so excited to share it with you all. Now this isn’t my first EVP, but it is the first of what I still have. I’m extremely excited to share it with you.

So… a little bit of background: This was recorded in a tiny cemetery in Lebanon, Oregon. It was recorded in broad daylight. The other voices you will hear are me (Leaha) and my husband A.J. and some shouts from a near-by home, as this cemetery sits in a residential neighborhood. I have declined to cut it down for fear of altering any context there may be. The whole recording is available to be listened to. (This is a link to my own youtube page, as the audio couldn’t be uploaded here. )


There isn’t too much I can give in the way of commentary. Just a little EVP session for the hell of it. Now, listen carefully around the 2:26 mark to about 2:29. Hear it? Go back and listen one more time. Is it as clear to you as it is to me?

No personal significance. Meant nothing to me until I told my great-aunt, whose house is across the street from the cemetery I recorded this in. What she told us floored me.

My cousin had been going to a friend’s house one night and decided to cut through the graveyard to save some time. As he was passing through he heard a voice near him, telling him “You can’t run”. He then had his legs knocked out from under him.

He doesn’t cut through the cemetery anymore.

More importantly, I had no idea this had happened until well after my own recording was made. In fact, it only came up because I brought up what we had caught there. Obviously, this isn’t the most significant EVP ever recorded or anything of that nature.

But it is so much different when it happens to you. Your blood runs cold as you realize the dead did hear you, and they responded.


I know this is off topic, but….

I’m transitioning from a very short hair style to something a bit longer and on the way I plan on having synthetic dreadlocks. I’m super excited as it is something I’ve wanted to do since I became aware that it is a possibility. I’m making my own extensions and although it is hard work, I couldn’t be happier about it.

Oh, and did I mention my hair is going to be pastels? Pink, purple and white. As I said I’m super excited about it. I’ve been working on making the dreadlocks for a couple of weeks (Off and on). I have a lot more to make and will probably have to buy more hair to finish my set. I cannot wait!

On Speculation…

Speculation has it’s place in the paranormal community, much like in anything else. However, I don’t think many understand or recognize it. It is a very delicate place and must be labelled as such.

Speculation deserves to live in the land of opinion, as it is not fact and cannot be verified. Of course, speculation is a big part of learning and forming theories, which is exactly why it does have a place in the paranormal discussion. We know so so little and observe so much. Speculation is critical in such a situation.

For example, I’m a big fan of Ghost Adventures. It’s my favorite show about the paranormal, hands down. That being said, I feel that Zak is guilty of speculating as if his ideas were fact. Normally, This isn’t a huge deal. However, in the case of the paranormal it can be problematic. With the paranormal’s mixed up and sordid history, I feel it is important that paranormal investigators make a point of being as honest as possible about the facts, ideas and which is which. Now, I don’t think Zak is making an attempt at being misleading, however, I do think it is misleading to the uninformed and could be construed as such. And so, despite being a big fan, I wish the guys on G.A. were a little more careful of how they phrase certain things. Just to make sure the audience knows what is fact and what is just an idea.

Now, I’m in no way trying to imply that the guys over at Ghost Adventures are the only ones speculating without labeling it as such, in fact I think many other paranormal shows are far worse on the matter. I hold Ghost Adventures up as an example because I admire the guys that work on it and it’s one of the few paranormal shows I watch on a regular basis.

So, pick your words carefully and try to be aware. It’s important we set a good example and are honest about what we do know. There’s no shame in being ignorant, only in acting like you aren’t ignorant when you truly are.

Slenderman Attacks

(Note: this post is about a murder attempt. It is not a funny or light subject, despite my attempts at humor. This post is concerned with the motives for this attempt at murder and shouldn’t been seen as condoning the attacks in any way.)

Slenderman is kind of creepy. Slenderman is kind of cool. Slenderman is a lot of things. But the one thing Slenderman isn’t is real. So how did two twelve year-old girls become so convinced that not only was he real, but that they had to murder their friend in order to appease him?

Is that what kids these days do for fun? Try to convince their friends that Slenderman is real? And you thought pot was dangerous.

I suspect we’ll find that these girls are extremely mentally ill. In fact, an article on the story suggests that one of the girls is deeply disturbed and she thinks she communicates with other fictional characters, such as Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter series. I mean, what the hell is going on with this kid?


How can these girls be so out of touch with reality and so utterly convinced of Slenderman’s reality? I ask because Slenderman is such an internet phenomenon. (A dead one now, thanks to these girls it seems.)

It is no secret that Slenderman was born on Something Awful forums about six years ago (in 2009). Again, it isn’t unknown that people have attempted to write Slendy into older tales to give him some authenticity and age. However, that is virtually impossible with today’s technology. Nothing with Slenderman featured in it is older than 2009. Because that’s when he was photoshopped into existence.

So how does something like this happen? I cannot fathom how far gone these two preteens had to be to think he was real and threatening their families. As a matter of a fact, I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t some bizarre defense strategy.

I guess I’m confused with how something so obviously fake has been taken as real by children of our digital age. I always thought kids growing up with computers would be more savvy than my generation. I thought the youth would be on the lookout for our bullshit. “Boogeyman, what Boogeyman?”

I guess it really doesn’t work when you don’t warn them. Nothing is real anymore. Everything is made up, retouched, photoshopped, edited, airbrushed.

Maybe that’s why it’s becoming harder and harder for young people to recognize reality? It increasingly looks fake. Even reality looks fake now. Is that our problem now?

How did this happen?

Maybe I should cut these little psycho girls some slack and blame their parents a little. There is no way you could not notice your daughter hiding from Lord Voldemort while he’s home from vacation, could you? I think it is safe to say somebody dropped the ball somewhere on this one. Saddest thing is now someones else is paying for these two preteens’ illness or stupidity or whatever. I have no doubt Peyton, the girls’ intended victim, will be okay physically. (She’s already doing remarkably well.) But will she ever be able to truly trust her friends again?

Some more links:

Everything you ever wanted to know about the paranormal, supernatural and creepy.